Politics as they are

I find it difficult to control my emotions when we talk about the political news of the day. I've already had one heart attack and am paying the price for that with heart failure. I get so ANGRY whenever I hear anything about what's going on today or about what who did or didn't do when. I never have been able to "debate" with any logic. I just HATE when people find fault with Obama, earned or not. I don't know if what he did then was right or wrong. I only know that he spoke in complete sentences. He was the one who spoke to me with what seemed logical.

I also hate when people praise what the TRump is doing. Cheeto-face with raccoon eyes makes little sense when he tweets.

I know what I'm saying here also doesn't make much sense. All I know is I can feel my blood pressure rise and my emotions rise when I try to talk with some people about what I think. Go ahead: shoot down what I think. I'm not smart. I just don't understand what's going on.

You are not a liberal. I am. I disagree with you but can't hold my own against you. I don't want another heart attack (or stroke). How can I just not talk to you about any of this crap?

A Better Day

One thing I really like about not working for someone else is that I get to get up when I'm finished sleeping. Oddly, that's somewhere between 5:30 and 6:45 a.m. I can also take a nap if I want to. Or go for a long walk, which is a healthy thing to do.

My blood pressure is consistently low since I left "that company" and "that boss." Even if I drink too much coffee and eat too-salty snacks like I did last night. 116/75 is pretty good.

Well, back to the great possession toss.

I just shouldn't think about it

It's kind of sad really, when I think about it. Here I am at 65 (very nearly) and I have to dispose of everything I have ever held near and dear...almost all the things I have accumulated and saved and loved. Oh, I understand some of this stuff is just stuff and should be discarded. But some of what I'm going to have to get rid of is things I've got emotional attachment to.

There are books I've kept for years. Books that belonged to my mother. Books I had when I was a child. Books given to me over the years. Books by authors I really enjoy and was looking forward to reading again and again.

There are pieces of artwork that I purchased because it was special to me. There are prints of paintings by especially talented artists of places I adore. There are shiny bits that I acquired from the Uptown Art Fair and Renaissance Fair that are so lovely to look at.

There are the 20 Ginny dolls I acquired because, you know, it's never too late to have a happy childhood. I missed mine the first time around and these mean so very much to me.

How do I choose what to keep and what to toss? If I knew I was going somewhere special where I could keep one or two of these precious things, it wouldn't be so difficult to donate/throw away these things. But I have no idea where I'll be this fall when I have to leave my "summer home."

Maybe I should just go to bed now and forget about all this. But, you know, it's really, really, really sad.

Something to think about

"Everyone's capable of being a jerk now and then, but a select few seem to have adopted the behavior as a lifelong career. Perhaps its an undermining coworker, a jealous friend, or a controlling boss that's the source of your frequent emotional abuse. Regardless of the situation, it's time to put a stop to it now. Here's what to do." (lifehacker.com)

Money

Well, I applied for unemployment and social security (and I think Medicare was part of that application process--it wasn't really clear). It will be interesting to find out if I get any of Garry's money since they asked if I'd been married for more than 10 years to anyone and if he'd "deceased" since then. (I didn't know "deceased" was a verb until today.)

I'm going to leave my lovely apartment in Shoreview and move to the campground in May for the summer. I'll have to figure out something else come September/October. I guess marriage is out. It wasn't offered as an option but I would take it. I've sent a list of my future income. I still owe on my car and have some back taxes I've been whittling away. All those will be more of a challenge with my income cut in half or worse.

But at least I'm not faced with Teresa every day. Monday morning before going to work my blood pressure read 150/97. Today it's 107/73. Quite a difference, I'd say.

Teresa screwed herself as well as the people I used to work with so I hope she's happy with the result. Everyone I've e-mailed so far has been great.

By the way, start using a2zme2 at gmail dot com from now on. As of May 1, I won't have Comcast. I won't have cable TV either. Fortunately, most (but not all) of the shows I like are on CBS.

Time to go back out onto my balcony for some R&R in the sun. Then I'll start shoveling out my apt. for real.

Sacked

Well, I got sacked today. I'd better not write anything here I'll regret later. At first I was told my job had been eliminated. When I mentioned that we were already understaffed, I was then told my job was being outsourced. I believe the second part more than the first.

Know anyone who needs a technical writer/editor?

Depression

A dear friend has blogged about depression a fair amount lately. And it has gotten me to thinking about my own struggles with depression.

Sometimes I'm just depressed because of a situation I haven't been able to reconcile.

Most of the time it is a general feeling of not belonging...anywhere. I go to work and feel I'm incompetent (it doesn't help that my new "boss" agrees with that assessment and reminds me regularly). It doesn't seem to matter how many mountains I scale and good deeds I accomplish there. I still feel like I'm pretending to be a grown-up. I'm really about 6.

I go to a gathering of friends or to someone's party and am convinced I don't belong there. They only invited me to be nice but they don't really care if I'm there or even want me to be there. I'm an embarrassment to everyone there because I just can't do or say the right things.

It isn't just once in a while. It's pretty much all the time.

One thing I do to combat this overwhelming sense of inadequacy is to knit. I knit pretty well. I'm not confident enough to make a whole sweater. Too much money for yarn to just waste it on my knitting. It probably would be too big, or too small, or disproportionate, or fall apart. But I knit smaller things because I can do them pretty well. Hats (they usually fit), mittens and socks fit me and my girlfriend. Not so much for bigger feet. I made one pair too big and I don't know about the others. I ran out of yarn so they ended up being anklets...for a guy.

I also practice a LOT of tai chi chuan. If I can't physically do it, I do it in my head. I visualize myself standing in the school room starting with the preparation and opening posture. I know a dozen or more forms made up of many postures. It's relaxing and I believe it really do know what I'm doing. It keeps me from thinking of any other things. I have students to act like they like me and I choose to believe them. My teacher seems to like me as well. That's a blessing.

Knitting and tai chi chuan help me achieve being "centered" which is a phrase I read about repeatedly in a 12-step group for "adult children" and I never understood what it meant. I think I know now.

I pray a lot, too. God, I believe, kept me from killing myself several years ago. There's no other explanation for why I didn't carry through with it. But I struggle to believe I really have any value to God. But I continue to struggle and pray and listen to the life lessons given at Eagle Brook Church.

The rest of the time, I just grit my teeth and endure.