Friday, December 02, 2011

Depression

A dear friend has blogged about depression a fair amount lately. And it has gotten me to thinking about my own struggles with depression.

Sometimes I'm just depressed because of a situation I haven't been able to reconcile.

Most of the time it is a general feeling of not belonging...anywhere. I go to work and feel I'm incompetent (it doesn't help that my new "boss" agrees with that assessment and reminds me regularly). It doesn't seem to matter how many mountains I scale and good deeds I accomplish there. I still feel like I'm pretending to be a grown-up. I'm really about 6.

I go to a gathering of friends or to someone's party and am convinced I don't belong there. They only invited me to be nice but they don't really care if I'm there or even want me to be there. I'm an embarrassment to everyone there because I just can't do or say the right things.

It isn't just once in a while. It's pretty much all the time.

One thing I do to combat this overwhelming sense of inadequacy is to knit. I knit pretty well. I'm not confident enough to make a whole sweater. Too much money for yarn to just waste it on my knitting. It probably would be too big, or too small, or disproportionate, or fall apart. But I knit smaller things because I can do them pretty well. Hats (they usually fit), mittens and socks fit me and my girlfriend. Not so much for bigger feet. I made one pair too big and I don't know about the others. I ran out of yarn so they ended up being anklets...for a guy.

I also practice a LOT of tai chi chuan. If I can't physically do it, I do it in my head. I visualize myself standing in the school room starting with the preparation and opening posture. I know a dozen or more forms made up of many postures. It's relaxing and I believe it really do know what I'm doing. It keeps me from thinking of any other things. I have students to act like they like me and I choose to believe them. My teacher seems to like me as well. That's a blessing.

Knitting and tai chi chuan help me achieve being "centered" which is a phrase I read about repeatedly in a 12-step group for "adult children" and I never understood what it meant. I think I know now.

I pray a lot, too. God, I believe, kept me from killing myself several years ago. There's no other explanation for why I didn't carry through with it. But I struggle to believe I really have any value to God. But I continue to struggle and pray and listen to the life lessons given at Eagle Brook Church.

The rest of the time, I just grit my teeth and endure.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Dish Cloth


I created a dish cloth for an author friend of mine, Kelly McCullough, based on the web goblin, Melchior.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Arizona 2011 #2

Today we went to Tucson to the PIMA Air and Space Museum. You'll have to click on the photos to see what's in them.


I don't remember half of what the tour guides had to say because I don't have the frame of reference David does, but it was very interesting stuff.

This is a picture of about a dozen B-52's mothballed. Over the last ten years or so they've dismantled all but about 100 of these behemouths to satisfy the nuclear disarmament treaty. Sad but necessary. Good that we aren't dragging the nuclear warheads around any more. We still could, but pretty much we don't.



The story we heard about this one was someone saw it flying overhead after 2001 and called 911 to report a UFO carrying off an airplane. That's radar on top.


That's all for now.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Arizona 2011 #1

Wow! It's been a long time since my last entry. Sorry about that. I guess twitter and facebook have kind of replaced this blog but since not everyone is on facebook and twitter, I'll make a couple entries from Arizona.

We arrived Tuesday afternoon and drove the rental car to the motorcycle rental place where we picked up an 1800 Honda Gold Wing. We had it for 3 days and drove about 600 miles overall.


This next image is what helped make this ride more comfortable. It's a seat heater (as you can see)! The last ride we took was up to Payson and we were near 5000 ft. altitude with the temperature in the mid 40s for much of that ride. Add a strong wind and the speed of the Wing and I was on the edge of very cold.


When we got to Payson, we decided to eat some lunch at the Knotty Pine Cafe. It's a very nice little Mom 'n' Pop kind of place. When we walked in an older gentleman invited us to join him at his table. It turns out he and his wife road Gold Wings for about 15 years. It was a very pleasant meal.

The following two pictures are from the Boyce Thompson Arboretum of the Southwest. It's a huge cactus garden for the most part. Unfortunately, I had the camera set on SMALL so these are not high-res photos. Drat. But you get the idea.



This last photo was taken coming back from Payson. I held a little video camera for the ride back and ran it until the battery gave out. We'll see what David uploads to YouTube later and I'll link to it.


That's all for now.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dieting and other stuff

This dieting is an interesting adventure. Once I get over the idea that I MUST eat everything in sight and I DESERVE it, not eating too much actually feels good.

Before I started my diet, I sometimes had coughing spells I couldn't stop. I would occasionally even cough until I threw up. I found out from my doctor that, rather than post-nasal drip (which I sometimes still have), I have GERD.

Many nerves are in the lower esophagus. Some of these nerves are stimulated by the refluxed acid, and this stimulation results in pain (usually heartburn). Other nerves that are stimulated do not produce pain. Instead, they stimulate yet other nerves that provoke coughing. In this way, refluxed liquid can cause coughing without ever reaching the throat! In a similar manner, reflux into the lower esophagus can stimulate esophageal nerves that connect to and can stimulate nerves going to the lungs. These nerves to the lungs then can cause the smaller breathing tubes to narrow, resulting in an attack of asthma.

GERD is aggravated not just by spicy food but by putting too much food into the stomach as well as being overweight, which doesn't leave much room for the stomach. I started a regular regimen of omeprazole and began eating Tums Smoothies like candy every time I had a coughing fit. After 3 months, I've cut way back on the Tums because I cough much less.

The side benefit is the diet. I had already decided I needed to lose weight. I looked at a video of myself doing a tai chi form and didn't recognize that fat lady with the gray hair. Yuck. And, my biggest pants no longer fastened. DINGDINGDING. Time to take it off.

Before the diet, I would eat because I thought I was hungry. I think (totally unscientific thought) the GERD was triggering a nerve that said I needed to do something to stop the icky feeling in my gut.

Now, with a stomach that is much less full, I don't really feel hungry. If I think I do, I chew a little sugarless gum (not much because of the laxative side-effect) or drink more ice water. When I do feel hungry, it's usually time to eat anyway.

And, best of all, I'm down 13 lbs. and one pants size. Goal: another 37 lbs. by Christmas.

Oh and I'm finally knitting up Ruby's yarn. Ruby was a lovely golden brown alpaca. She is becoming my first knit sweater since I became a yarn snob and learn a better way to make the stitches. Pictures to come.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Oooooffff

After two weeks of dieting (yes, I know that's not very long), we went out with friends for dinner last night. Today I'm enjoying (?) a mild case of food hangover.

Years ago I would go on a crash diet every January to prepare for the skimpy clothes of summer. I'd only count calories and limited myself to 800 per day, Monday through Friday. Saturdays and Sundays I could eat however much I wanted.

My current diet is similar, but I have a 1500 calorie limit and am averaging about 1000 per day. I'm calculating the fat, fiber, carb, and sodium amounts but not working too hard to control them. Same schedule of dieting M-F with weekends free.

Once I replace the battery in my scale, I'll start tracking weight.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Who is that fat lady?

So far, in a week and a half, I’ve unofficially lost about 8 pounds. Instead of “Desperately Seeking Susan,” I’m desperately seeking myself. I’m in here somewhere trying to get out.

When I could no longer do tai chi chuan without my bulging stomach getting in the way, I got annoyed with my weight, but I wasn’t willing to stop eating all the yummy foods available to me.

When I started really having trouble getting my pants to close, I wasn’t yet willing to stop eating.

When I found out that my nagging, hacking cough is the result of GER (Gastroesophageal Reflux—I don’t think it’s GERD yet) because partially digested food/vapors backing up into my esophagus were triggering nerves shared with my trachea, causing my trachea to think I couldn’t breathe, well, I decided I really had to do something about it. Too much fat in the gut area leaves too little room in the abdomen for those important things, like organs.

So, I’m using the Calorie Counter app on my cell phone (I could just as easily use the little calorie/carb book I found at home under a stack of other things) to count calories, carbs, fat, sodium, and fiber. I’m trying to stay below 1500 calories (succeeded all but one day), 15 grams of fat (I have yet to come anywhere close to that amount—no Alli for me), and 2400 mg of sodium (I missed that mark twice but I’m out of Jolly Time Better Butter popcorn now) per day.

To keep me on track, all I have to do is look at the videos David took of Sifu and me doing the 2-person form. I don’t really recognize that fat lady in the movies. She isn’t someone I want to be.

Check back next month (or sooner) for an update.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Southern California, 2010, Part Deux

This is the pier at Oceanside, California. There were surf warnings over the weekend.


The surfers were happy. We watched several of them playing around. They were all wearing wet suits. Air temperature 60-63 F. Water temp, unknown.


This is a view from part way out onto the pier. There's a cute little cafe called Ruby's that is sort of a 50s style eatery on the end of the pier. We just had dessert but their salads and burgers looked delightful.


Along the pier there were a couple pelicans resting on the railings. We could get amazingly close.



Walking back from the pier I spotten a McDonald's that isn't open. Maybe it's a weekend or summer thing.

Southern California, 2010

SQUIRREL!



Knitting is allowed on the plane. This is another NORO Silk Garden 1x1 scarf. I may have it finished by the time we return from California.

David has relatives and business here in Carlsbad/Oceanside/Vista so I tagged along with him. It's a balmy 60 F.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

More Socks

These are made from Punk Junkie yarn gifted to me by my buddy Betty. I knit the body of the socks in k1p1. While making them, they decided they were Sifu's birthday gift this year.


The green socks were knit from Knit Picks Esssential™ Ivy Kettle Hand-Dyed Yarn (also a gift from Betty) using the cauchy pattern found in Sock Innovation created by cookie a (that's her name)(honest). It's a great book with all sorts of really valuable information including a formula for making the heel flap turn.


The sock on the right is a "plain vanilla" sock ala the Yarn Harlot's book, Knitting Rules. What I like about the plain vanilla sock is that it's just knits. I made a pair, two-at-a-time, toe-up on a magic loop (60 in. size US2) in just two weekends and about 5 evenings. I always wondered how long it would take.

Now, if Hoffman would just use something besides really sharp tiny gravel bits in their parking lot so I wouldn't get them into my shoes and chew through my socks (two pairs already--I want to learn something besides holding the socks over a trash barrel and saying "darn, darn, darn).

Sunday, July 26, 2009

David's sox are finally done

David's sox started modestly enough. Toe up, two-at-a-time 100 stitches on a 60" magic loop size US1.


I started these in December of 2008. Since I have a day job, I wasn't able to make as much progress as I'd have liked. He was (sort of) patiently waiting for me to finish them.

They are just a little bit loose. I hand washed them but I think once around in his front-loader washer will bring them down just a little bit. These next two photos are more accurate colorwise.


Thanks for modeling them David!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

New Ride

These lilies grow by our deck at the campground and are always so pretty.


And if you aren't on Facebook and haven't seen all the photos there, here's Sunny!


And the red lilies.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

San Antonio, Texas - Part Two

Along the River Walk in San Antonio, there are a lot of ducks and this very interesting Black-Crowned Night Heron.


Remember the Alamo! We took a nice tour and listened to some history of a battle that could not be won but fought by men who truly believed in the cause.


The King William Historic District is an area just south of downtown with a couple dozen really big mansions. I took a lot of photos but am only showing the niftiest.

Click the photos to embiggen and see the great details in each picture. The people who built these homes truly were craftsmen.



This one was restored as a museum and we could have toured if we'd only been there half an hour sooner. We didn't feel like waiting another two hours for the next tour.


This is a more modest home that has a black lava rock chimney. Amazing.


Just look at the brickwork detail.

Friday, July 03, 2009

San Antonio, Texas - River Walk

San Antonio is HOT this time of year. It was 103-4 a couple days in a row. While David was off at the convention center for the ASSE convention, I wandered quite a bit.

River Walk is a loop of water below street level in downtown San Antionio. It is mostly restaurants, but there are a few shops as well. Even a CVS. There are several little bridges to get from one side to the other.



You can hear these fellows singing and playing Mariachi as you walk along or dine.



We at lunch here one day.



This is one of the fountains along the walk.



There are boats used as taxis. You can also take a very entertaining 30-minute tour of the River Walk for less than $10.



Michelle Schmidt and I took a walk to the King William Historical District (photos in another blog). This is the walkway we took on the return trip.


Now it's time to go. It's the Fourth of July and I'm going to find a swimming pool and tomorrow there's roast pig.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Stuff of spring

Betty and I attended the Land O' Lakes District spring contest in Steven's Point, Wisconsin. Because photos are not allowed during the contest, I don't have much to show. And because of a failure in communication with a fellow at work, I had to take work with me. I put in enough hours to make up for not being at the office Friday. Anyway, there are these.


What does "nuclear free zone" mean for a convent?



Skunk Cabbage -- Not smelly yet. Just odd looking:





On the needles -- Cauchy socks:

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ah, Spring.

A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away... .

OK, here in Minnesota about 20 years ago, I used to take off work on my birthday, April 1st, to go to Taylor's Falls for a hike. I haven't been able to do that since then because it's always been way too cold and icky. Winter has moved at least one month into spring. Actually, I think all our months, weather-wise, have moved one month later.

So yesterday, when the weather was predicted to be in the 80s, and since I'm being forced to not work (no pay--they call it a furlough and say it's better than being laid off), I drove to Taylor's Falls. Actually, I went to the Wisconsin side of the St. Croix River to Interstate Park.

These might be anenomies.
I gave my flower books to Ben and Steph so I can't look them up.
The white ones look like wild strawberries.



Ah, I love the natural pine smell of the forest floor in the warmth of the day.


These are the ones that look more like strawberries.


Lake O' the Dalles Trail on the SE side.


A view of the river.


A pothole.


I first walked up the Ravine Trail. The map says it's only .5 miles long. For someone who hasn't been hiking lately, and who is just a little over weight, I thought I was going to die from a heart attack. When I saw the 260 feet rise notation on the map, I felt better about myself.

From the top of the Ravine Trail, I turned south west on the Skyline Trail. (I'd wanted to walk the Meadow Valley Trail but it's under water. Actually, the picnic tables just north of the parking lot were in an inch or so of marshy water. And I forgot my hip waders.) Anyway the Skyline Trail is about 1.6 miles and mostly down a very gentle slope. The only green things visible are the flowers I photographed.

Digital photography has given me the option of taking enough shots to be sure to get one or two good ones. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get the camera to focus on what I want to take a picture of when it's in macro mode.

Skyline Trail ended in the Pines Group Camp area. After an outhouse stop (I know, TMI), I hiked a trail that parallels the Eagle Peak Trail but instead of going up it goes down further to the South Campground. I came out on the south end of the campground. Turning back north east, I hiked to the Camp Interstate Shelter where I had my lunch.

From there I headed to the Lake O' the Dalles Trail and walked the south eastern side of the lake. After my afternoon snack and general laziness reading my book, I drove up to the Pothole Trail to do some more relaxing. I thought about knitting but couldn't bring myself to do more than one round.

Around 3:30 p.m. I drove into Taylor's Falls and had some chocolate almond fudge ice cream with a cone.

On the way home, I thought I'd stop at the little bar/restaurant in Marine on St. Croix. Unfortunately, it is closed with a For Sale sign on the door. Too bad. It was a great place to stop, especially when riding the Gold Wing, for a brew and a burger.

One thing nice about this time of year is there are few bugs. There were some black flies when I first started out but they disappeared along the Skyline Trail and never returned. No mosquitoes. Also, no kids and no dogs. I think I only saw about 5 cars.

Being a loaner I like that sort of hike. In my humble opinion, there are too many people in the world and most of them are next to me most of the time. No offense intended. That's just the way I am.